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Not Sharpe's eagle
Major Sharpe
The Best Soldier Britain Ever Had.
(Humor)


The Macho-Men: Sharpe and Homer Simpson

Our Man - Major Sharpe.

The young and dashing Sharpe, the darling of the ladies, is by far the most entertaining napoleonic character created in last decade. Here is why he is our hero:
  • In the age of 6 he volunteered into the most-macho-unit-Good-Guy blather, the 95th.
  • In the age of 9 Sharpe captured empty Scottish castle on his own.
  • In the age of 12 Sharpe went successfully through various teenage crises.
  • In the age of 100 Sharpe captured 100 cannons and then left deposits in sperm bank.
    During his adventures, Sharpe was often helped by maidens and senoritas who succumbed to his charm. Our old hero became confused and annoyed and often asked 'who are these kids and why are they calling me Daddy ?!'

    Sharpe is brave, he beats all the odds, wins all his battles and duels. Sharpe is a soldier grunt, unshaven, with three right arms, five cannons, two rocket-launchers and a bionic eye with infra-red vision.
    Sharpe's only weakness is allergy to horse hair. It gives him horrible gas, and if he stays near the cavalry any longer he is going to start farting up a storm. For this reason his comrades call him "The Mufler". His 'noises' confused the French as they feared Wellington had a secret weapon.
    Now, in the year of 2005 the army sends him on horrendously dangerous mission to Iraq. In the decisive battle in Iraq, Sharpe will throw everything but the kitchen sink at the towel-bearers and their armored camels as his 95th Regiment will strive for that last-minute strike which would enable them to snaffle victory.

    Sharpe's favorite music:

  • when Sharpe was a baby he loved:
    - - - - - - - "Mama Get the Hammer (There is a Fly on Papa's Head)"
    - - - - - - - "There was Grandma, Swingin' on the Outhouse Door, Without a Shirt On"
  • during his first campaign in Peninsula and meeting with Spanish seniorita, he was often humming:
    - - - - - - - "I Hate Every Bone in Your Body, Except Mine"
    - - - - - - - "If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too ?"
  • in old age his favorite were:
    - - - - - - - "All I Want For Christmas, Are My Front Teeth"
    - - - - - - - "10 Years in Peninsula"
    - - - - - - - "40 Yards to the Latrine"
    - - - - - - - "I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You"

    New books (macho science).

    Upcoming books about Sharpe:

  • "Sharpe is Going Nuts". (unforgettable, ACTION !)
  • "Sharpe's Love, Sex and Camels". (unforgettable, loyalty, love)
    See New York Times bestseller list.

    The last book about Major will be a romance novel. Sharpe will kill Napoleon and marry Josephine before running away with pretty Murat (see picture below). They will live happily on an island.

    +=Sharpe II Sharpe III
    On pictures: unshaved, cool Sharpe and perfumed Murat.
    The two kids are super twins, Sharpe Junior #1 and Sharpe Junior #2, aka Sharpie.
    (If I were a lady I'd have Sharpe's babies !)

    Links and Sources.

    "Sharpe's Mule"
    "Sharpe, and What They Found in His Colon"
    "Sharpe and the Toilet Doom"
    "Sharpe and Anger Management Program"
    "Sharpe and the Curse of Puberty"
    "Velcro Arms, Teflon Hearts"
    $$$$$$$$ + $

    • I welcome any feedback, especially from old ladies who love Major
    but think that today was a total waste of makeup.

    Author: Sharpe groupie.

    Napoleon, His Army and Enemies